It's been a rough few days in Washington, as President Trump and his legal team cannot agree on whether he is under investigation, but there was one bright spot on Monday: Jared Kushner's voice was finally heard.
Trump's son-in-law and senior adviser was a "secretive presence, best known for silently lurking behind Trump in meetings," Seth Meyers said on Monday's Late Night, but with all of the bad press surrounding the White House, someone in the administration thought it would be a great idea to get Kushner to speak in public. During a meeting with tech CEOs, Kushner started talking about something, but really, everyone was just paying attention to what his voice sounded like. Meyers wasn't impressed. "That's the mastermind who tried to set up a back channel with Russia?" he asked, adding, "His title says 'senior adviser,' but his voice says 'senior at Claremont High School.'"
Meyers eventually moved on from Kushner's vocals to Trump tweeting that he is being "investigated for firing the FBI Director by the man who told me to fire the FBI Director," even though he insisted weeks ago that it was solely his decision to fire former FBI Director James Comey. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has always said Trump's tweets speak for themselves, "and they should," Meyers said. "They are the president's words, written by the president, with no interference from anyone else. If the official White House statement is milk in the grocery store, Donald Trump's Twitter feed is the actual udder." On Sunday, though, the latest member of Trump's legal team to appear on the morning shows bounced around saying Trump is not under investigation, even going so far to say Trump's tweet was based on a false report. It's enough to confuse anyone, so just sit back, listen to Meyers' Kushner impression, and call it a day. Catherine Garcia
After two decades, Fox News is changing its most famous catchphrase. Yes, "Fox News is dropping its 'Fair & Balanced' slogan," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. "I assume because they finally watched themselves." One Fox News insider told New York that the slogan was being dropped because it was so widely "mocked," and Colbert took a short bow.
"For now, Fox News will be using its other slogan, 'Most Watched, Most Trusted,' but there are some other phrases that they briefly considered," he said: "'CNN For Your Angry Uncle,' 'Thanks For Watching, Mr. President!', and perhaps the most controversial rejected slogan of all, 'You'd Be Pretty if You Smiled More.'" Colbert also talked about dinosaurs and the newly relaxed urination laws in New York City. Watch below. Peter Weber
"Jamie Foxx, the most talented man on Earth," Jimmy Fallon said at the end of their game of Random Genre Generator on Thursday's Tonight Show, and Foxx's performance made a pretty good case that Fallon wasn't just gushing. Foxx certainly has the musical and acting skills to excel at Fallon's game, which matches a song with a genre of music, purportedly at random, forcing the participant to sing the song in the correct style. Fallon is good at this, too, and his '50s crooner rendition of "Can't Feel My Face" is spot-on. But Foxx drew some hard combinations, and he spun them into gold. This is why he's a star. Watch below. Seriously. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert hosts Jon Stewart, John Oliver, Sam Bee, other Daily Show alumni for a reunion, gabfest
It was 2005 on The Late Show Tuesday night, and Stephen Colbert was reliving his last day on The Daily Show, packing up his mug, tangerine iBook, and other era-appropriate props. One by one, former costars Samantha Bee, Rob Corddry, Ed Helms, John Oliver (playing Steve Carrell, because 2005), and Jon Stewart appeared to make anachronistic jokes. "I can't believe you're leaving in the middle of the George W. Bush administration," Bee said. "There's never gonna be another president this good for comedy — I mean, this guy does something ridiculous, like, at least once a month. I know one thing for sure: There is no scenario in which I will ever say, 'God, I wish George W. Bush was president!'"
Stewart ended on a yogurt-infused sitcom-father speech, to cap off the nostalgia.
Colbert sat down with Stewart for a chat that ranged from Trump's firing of FBI Director James Comey to Fox News and the FCC's investigation into what Stewart jokingly referred to as Colbert's "potty mouth." Stewart said he wasn't really surprised that Bill O'Reilly kept his job at Fox News for so long. "The place was being run by a guy who was doing the same thing," Roger Ailes, Stewart pointed out. "How could you call in someone who works for you and say, 'This sexual harassment stuff, and the money we're paying out, it's got to stop,' when you're paying out money for sexual harassment?"
He ended with a classic Jon Stewart moment on Colbert's fellatio joke about Trump and Russia. "The things that you say, even if they're crass, or even if they, in some ways, are not respectful enough to the office of the presidency, we can insult, he can injure," he said. "It's the difference between insult and injury, and I, for the life of me, I do not understand why, in this country, we try and hold comedians to a standard we do not hold leaders to. It's bizarre."
Then the gang got back together for a View-like walk down memory lane, with clips of the early Daily Show reports, including a harrowing tale Colbert told about escaping the Ku Klux Klan at a cross-burning.
Bee almost topped that with a story about a Florida politician who said homosexuality made him nauseated but then started planning a threesome, and Colbert closed things out with Stewart interviewing him as Rev. Al Sharpton in 2001. Peter Weber
Last week, Seth Meyers reminded House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) how much he complained about the Affordable Care Act being pushed through too quickly in 2009, only to change his tune in 2017 when it was his Republican Party trying to pass a health-care bill. This went over in Ryan's office about as well as expanding Medicaid to cover more poor people, and aides quickly dashed off an email to Late Night, refuting Meyers' points.
"Unlike Republicans and their health-care bill, we actually read the whole email," Meyers said Monday night, adding that he "genuinely appreciated" hearing from Ryan's team, and announced there is a standing offer for Ryan to appear on the show. That being said, Meyers did not agree with the statements made in the email, starting with Ryan's office claiming the bill was not rushed. "The bill has been online for a month, went through four House committees, and the only change this week was a simple three-page amendment," the office said. This was misleading for several reasons, Meyers said, not least because many lawmakers changed their mind on the bill because of the amendment. "A lot can happen in three pages," Meyers said. "That's like saying, 'I made you a cappuccino with hot water, sugar, espresso, and one other ingredient.' You would say, 'Well, what's the other ingredient, Mr. Cosby?'"
Ryan's office also had a problem with Meyers saying the bill takes from the poor to give to the rich by enacting tax cuts for the wealthy while cutting $880 billion from Medicaid, and declaring that the bill's new provision letting states waive ObamaCare's ban on pre-existing conditions makes it even worse than the previous version. You can find out how Meyers responded in the video below. Catherine Garcia
Video footage from 2009 is coming back to haunt House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.), and Seth Meyers was only too happy to share it on Thursday's Late Night.
Back when it was ObamaCare that was being voted on, Ryan shouted from the rooftops that the bill was being pushed through too quickly, it wasn't bipartisan, and it was "less about health-care policy and more about ideology." Funny story — that's exactly what's happening with the GOP's American Health Care Act today, Meyers said, with Ryan engaging in all of the things he called Democrats out for doing eight years ago. This revised bill has had no public hearings, studies, or a Congressional Budget Office score, and somehow manages to be more unpopular than the Republicans' previous bill. "To get the bill passed today, Republicans added new things that made it even worse," Meyers said. "They basically took an oatmeal raisin cookie and added cilantro."
The CBO found that the first bill would raise premiums for older, poor Americans while giving the wealthiest a huge tax cut, and Meyers believes President Trump "won't be able to hide from the ramifications." After mocking Republicans for acting "absolutely giddy" at a quickly arranged event celebrating step one of a much-larger operation, Meyers had a warning. "Everything that Paul Ryan claimed to hate about the ObamaCare process in 2009, he's doing now," he said. "Republicans are lying through their teeth about the impact of the bill on premiums and pre-existing conditions, and hoping no one will catch them because there's no CBO score, and until last night, there was no text. Americans are being conned, and there will be consequences for the people doing the conning." Watch the video below. Catherine Garcia
During a congressional hearing on Tuesday, lawmakers grilled airline executives on what is going on in their industry and ways they can change following several terrible events in recent weeks — people being dragged off planes, flight attendants and passengers getting into brawls, every single meal served on every single flight.
On Tuesday's Late Night, Seth Meyers examined what 40 years of government deregulation has done to the airline industry, and it's not pretty. Air travel was once exclusively for the wealthy and privileged, Meyers said, but after former President Jimmy Carter signed the Airline Deregulation Act in 1978, it removed government control of prices and routes, and tickets were no longer artificially high. This was good for travelers who didn't have a lot of money and needed to get places fast, but the cheaper fares also made it so the airlines had to come up with ways to make up for lost income — the seats became smaller, for example, and the food became inedible or nonexistent. "Remember the Mile High Club?" Meyers asked. "There was a time where people actually wanted to have sex in an airplane bathroom."
Experts say that now, companies don't have any fear of repercussion, and Meyers agreed. "Let's be honest," he said. "The main reason airline travel is so awful is that we the customers are okay with it being awful, as long as the ticket prices are low enough. If there was an airline that offered $50 round-trip tickets to any destination in America as long as the pilot could open-hand slap one passenger of his choosing in the face, that airline would never have an empty seat." The solution to out-of-control airlines will likely have to come from the government, Meyers said, but don't expect anything soon; President Trump told U.S. airline executives he will "roll back burdensome regulations" and also promised to privatize air traffic control, and has already paused a proposal that would require more disclosure on passenger fees. Find out more about deregulation and how the skies became so unfriendly in the video below. Catherine Garcia
"Obama's back, and so are the haters," Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show. The former president is taking a lot of heat for giving a speech to Wall Street firm Cantor Fitzgerald for a fat paycheck, but Noah wasn't buying the outrage. "Obama's getting $400,000 to be a keynote speaker," he said. "He's probably going to give a very important policy speech entitled 'The Four Boats I'm Going to Buy.' Now look, I know that people may say that it weakens public trust when politicians cash in immediately after leaving office, but at least Obama waited until he left office, unlike [President Trump], who's using the White House like an ATM machine. And yeah, don't get me wrong — I agree that the system must change, but it doesn't change with Obama. People are like 'Why doesn't he not accept the money?' No, f— that!"
"So the first black president must also be the first one to not take money afterwards?" Noah asked. "No, no, no, no, no, my friend. He can't be the first of everything. F— that, and f— you." Go ahead, he added, "make that money, Obama." Noah did start to make a broader point: "Instead of focusing on how Obama can make so much money from Wall Street for a speech, maybe we should be asking why Wall Street has so much money to give people for a speech: the loose regulations, the intensive lobbying and favorable — you know, the truth is, we can't get into all of this, there's too much, there's too much else that's going on that we have to talk about today."
He spent the next four minutes on quick takes of two events: Ann Coulter vs. Berkeley ("they should just let her speak, because you realize she doesn't actually want to speak, she wants to be stopped from speaking") and the odd all-Senate White House field trip to be briefed on North Korea, which turned out to be a mostly substance-free dog-and-pony show. "Donald Trump just called them there," Noah said, laughing, "and I wouldn't be surprised if just brought them to be, like: 'Did you guys know there are two Koreas? It's a lot more complicated than we thought, folks, a lot more complicated, a lot more.'" There's some slightly NSFW language. If that doesn't bother you, watch below. Peter Weber