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April 23, 2018

Statistically speaking, Seth Meyers said on Monday's Late Night, if you're someone close to President Trump, there's a "good chance" you're going to get raided by the FBI.

"At this point, even the kid who mowed the White House lawn is worried the FBI is going to kick in his door," Meyers said. First it was his former campaign chairman, Paul Manafort, and this month, agents raided the home, office, and hotel room of Trump's personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, who is under investigation for potential bank and wire fraud. Everyone is talking about whether Cohen will flip on Trump, Meyers said, and Cohen "isn't saying Trump is innocent, he's saying, 'I would never rat him out.' It's just taken for granted that Trump did something illegal."

Trump's former attorney, Jay Goldberg, told The Wall Street Journal last week that he warned Trump about Cohen, noting, "The mob was broken by Sammy 'The Bull' Gravano caving in out of the prospect of a jail sentence." "If Sammy 'The Bull' flipped, you know Michael 'The Bulls—t' definitely will," Meyers joked.

As for Trump, he tweeted over the weekend that he's "always liked and respected" Cohen, and "most people will flip if the government lets them out of trouble, even if it means lying or making up stories." Meyers wasn't shocked by Trump's statement. "Of course Trump assumes most people would lie to get out of trouble because he's always lying to get out of trouble," he said. "If the feds put pressure on him there's a good chance he'll flip on himself." Watch the video below.Catherine Garcia

April 20, 2018

Former Playboy model Karen McDougal is now free to tell the world more about her purported 10-month extramarital affair with President Trump, and Stephen Colbert took a soft pass on Thursday's Late Show. But he had some thoughts on the debacle involving a Starbucks manager and Philadelphia police arresting two black men who had not purchased anything. The encounter, captured on cellphone video, prompted an apology from the CEO and chairman of Starbucks, and the Philadelphia police.

"That is a grievous racial injustice, and if you witness anything like this, for the love of God, don't film it in portrait mode!" Colbert aid. "Film it in landscape." Police released the 911 call, and it turns out the manager called in the complaint only 2 minutes after the men walked into the Rittenhouse Square Starbucks. "That's only 2 minutes later. 'Hello, 911, I'd like to report 120 seconds of sitting while being black,'" he said. "It's astounding that Starbucks employees would be so racially insensitive — after all, I'm pretty sure their logo is Beyoncé."

But Starbucks is dealing with the issue, closing 8,000 stores for an afternoon in May to instruct employees in "racial-bias education." "Eight thousand stores! That's almost all the locations on this block," Colbert joked. "I just wonder what this training session is going to be like for black Starbucks employees. 'Okay, guys, let's all settle down and listen while this nice white lady from HR tells us what racism is.'"

The Late Show also imagined a scenario in which not all black Starbucks customers would be thrilled with the training session, for a pretty obvious reason. Watch below. Peter Weber

April 20, 2018

The Daily Show has launched a new segment, "A Series of Gunfortunate Events," to help viewers keep track of all the completely whack gun-related incidents taking place around the country.

Thursday night's edition included mentions of the Parkland teacher who left his loaded gun in a public restroom, where it was found by a man who then fired it, as well as a 23-year-old with a concealed carry permit who shot himself while grocery shopping. Trevor Noah saved the best for last, though, with the story of a police officer at a children's learning center.

The officer — who didn't lose his job — said a third grade student was able to grab his gun and fire it; the bullet went into the ground, and no one was hurt in the debacle. "A third-grader grabbed a police officer's gun, unholstered it, and fired it before the cop could stop him?" Noah said. "That cop needs to be disciplined and that child needs to be promoted." Watch the video below. Catherine Garcia

April 19, 2018

President Trump sent off his first tweet mentioning Stormy Daniels on Wednesday morning, commenting on a post by a Scottish Trump super-fan comparing the sketch Daniels released of the man she said threatened her to keep quiet about Trump with a photo of her ex-husband. Jimmy Kimmel had a little background on the Scottish woman who started the meme, suggesting Trump get a restraining order against her, but he found the entire episode "absolutely nuts. Reportedly, his advisers tried to convince him that he would only make things worse if he addressed this on Twitter," Kimmel said on Wednesday's Kimmel Live, "but you know that's like telling a 4-year-old with a squirt gun not to shoot you with it — you're going to get wet."

"So he tweeted, and he called it 'fake news,' which is his thing," Kimmel said. "President Trump seems to be confused about what is and isn't fake news, so to help out — because we're all about helping out here at this show — we asked a local third grader named Noah to break it down for the president in a very simple way." And Noah, 9, did just that, adorably and concisely. Watch below. Peter Weber

April 19, 2018

Stephen Colbert began Wednesday's Late Show interview with actress and gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon by warning New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) to watch out for his "formidable opponent," because Nixon beat Colbert for a Grammy. He asked why Nixon was running under the banner "Cynthia for New York," not the more alliterative "Nixon for New York"? "My mother used to say that she grew up during World War II with a father named Adolph and then she lived through the 1970s with a husband named Nixon," she replied. "So I am aware of the dubious nature of my last name, but I have to say, if I was given a choice, I'd rather be the good Nixon than the bad Cuomo."

Nixon said she's running for governor "because I'm a lifelong New Yorker, and I love this state, and I just know we could do so much better." Colbert stopped her when she said Cuomo is governing like a Republican, asking for specifics. Nixon replied that New York should fully fund public education and be more like California and Oregon in leading the way on renewable energy, campaign finance reform, voting rights, and criminal justice reform.

Nixon said she's 100 percent serious about becoming governor, and Colbert stepped in to play "the governor's advocate," asking her if "we need another celebrity in office," and "should governor of New York be the first job you have" in politics? Nixon said she's not at all like President Trump, and celebrity is just a platform, and what matters is how you use it. She explained her support for legalizing recreational marijuana as primarily "a racial justice issue," not a drug one. "For all intents and purposes, for white people, marijuana has ... effectively been legal for a long time," she said, "and I just think it's time to make it legal for everybody else." Watch below. Peter Weber

April 19, 2018

"If last week, you were in some sort of hostage situation, eyes pried open, forced to watch the democratic process on C-SPAN," you'd have noticed that "during the Capitol Hill Facebook hearings, two names kept popping up," Jordan Klepper said on Wednesday's The Opposition. "Yes, Diamond and Silk got mentioned a lot last week as examples of conservative speech getting silenced. But who are these two?" To answer that question, Klepper brought on "Diamond and Silk super-fan Niccole Thurman," who ran through the sisters' story from Democrats with very few YouTube viewers to pro-Trump superstars.

After their first pro-Trump video went viral, "just like millions of poor white people and 22 black people, they got on board the Trump Train and started making videos defending him," Thurman said. She played examples of their work, showed how they rose up the ladder at Fox News, and threw plenty of shade. "No wonder why Fox loves them so much! They are like the hot sauce at the all-mayonnaise Fox barbecue." Klepper saw the appeal. "You know, with so many people yelling about race stuff in America right now, it's very comforting for me to know the biological sisters are on my side," he said. Watch below. Peter Weber

April 17, 2018

"Hi, it's only Monday," CBS This Morning cohost John Dickerson reminded Stephen Colbert on Monday's Late Show. "I'm sweating from the news," Colbert said. He asked if Dickerson has read former FBI Director James Comey's new book, A Higher Loyalty, and Dickerson said he'd skimmed it and read the transcript of Comey's interview on ABC News. But he had some well-thought-out ideas about the risks and rewards of Comey's project.

What Comey is "trying to do is he's making the case for a moral standard at a time when all of those standards are being thrown out by the president — and some people love the fact that those standards are being thrown out — and so he's trying to make this case while he has fallen short of standards as well," Dickerson said. "He's not totally clean. So the question is, now that he's got this book out there, will people hear that it's a call to a higher standard? Will they think this is just more weaponry in a partisan fight? If those standards he's making a case for get written down as just more weaponry in a partisan fight, then he's actually net-reduced our belief in those standards that he says should be above politics. So that's the fight for him: Can he protect those standards from the launch of his own book?"

"Wow," Colbert said. They talked more about Comey and Trump, the increasingly impossible job of the presidency, Jimmy Carter getting so into the minutiae that he took over the scheduling of the White House tennis courts, and what it's like to float in a sensory deprivation tank. Watch below. Peter Weber

April 17, 2018

On Monday night's Hannity, Fox News star Sean Hannity faced a mild dressing-down from guest Alan Dershowitz for editorializing about the FBI's Michael Cohen raids last week without disclosing that he had sought legal advice from Cohen — or, as Cohen's lawyers claimed in court Monday, that Hannity was one of Cohen's three clients. Hannity defended himself and claimed his "discussions with Michael Cohen never rose to any level that I needed to tell anyone." But what if he had just owned up to making a mistake? The Late Show created that alternate Hannity, and you can watch Hannity excoriate himself below, via the magic of television editing. Peter Weber

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