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April 10, 2019

"Following the news is like being on a treadmill, except that I'm gaining more weight," Stephen Colbert lamented on Tuesday's Late Show. "And, as you may have noticed, all that news out there is crazy right now. I really want to believe that things are going to get better, but it's tough." If that sounds like the setup for a Sesame Street lesson-song, it was, kind of. Colbert went for a walk to clear his head and ran into Oscar the Grouch, and they sang a song pitting Oscar's glower power against Colbert's flower power.

The main thrust of the song is the question of whether things will get better or worse in the world. Stuff is bad now, they agreed, "but humans are ingenious, we're not a bunch of quitters," Colbert sang. "You still have faith in humans after logging on to Twitter?" Oscar sang back, and Colbert conceded: "That's a good point." You can enjoy the song, and find out who comes out on top, below. Peter Weber

March 15, 2019

Beto O'Rourke had barely officially entered the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Thursday when the first attack ad against him dropped. And it is "devastating," in the words of its creator, Jon Millstein. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) seemed to perversely revel in inadvertently demonstrating how relatively edgy, relatable, and "hot" Beto is (or was), but this ad goes in the other direction. "There's a lot of things you can call Beto O'Rourke: congressman, Texan, charismatic political sensation — but there's one thing that we shouldn't be calling him," Millstein says, campaign ad music playing. "Beto O'Rourke is not a good skateboarder. Not even close. "

Millstein, a ClickHole contributor and former Funny or Die writer, obviously has comedic roots, and he's joined in the ad by actor and comedian Paul Dupree and Caravan Skateboards cofounder Danny Bezinovich. And they have other, less-devastating critiques of Beto, which they end with. But this ad isn't just a joke, Millstein insists.

Beto "is not so much a 'poser' as he is an atrocious skater (he skates like a goofy dad in a comedy movie)," he writes. And their choice for president, Brian Anderson, "is a skate god, an icon, and an inspiration, and he WILL be our next president." Sure, why not? Somebody has to win the Democratic nomination, after all. Peter Weber

March 14, 2019

There's that old showbiz adage, "The show must go on," and say what you will about Fox News host Sean Hannity, he was the consummate professional showman on his show Thursday night. While he was wrapping up a segment about how the vulgar media hates President Trump and teasing updates on the Jussie Smollett and college admissions bribery scandals, a large bug crawled up from the collar of his shirt, crossed his neck, and was heading toward his mouth when he went to commercial.

Assuming Hannity felt the bug — and how could he not have? — that's a pretty impressive show of self-control. Peter Weber

March 8, 2019

Her multi-part interview with R. Kelly for CBS this week was a big enough deal, Gayle King told Stephen Colbert on Thursday's Late Show , that Elton John had just called her in the dressing room. She explained that in the viral image of Kelly standing angrily while she sits calmly, she was mostly trying to keep "Robert" from walking out of the interview. "I never thought that he was going to hurt me or hit me," she said, at least not on purpose.

Colbert asked about Fox News' Jesse Watters mixing her up with Robin Roberts, who had interviewed Jussie Smollett. King laughed and recounted how after Dana Perino corrected Watters on-air, she got Perino's email address and wrote: "'Thank you for letting him know that we're two different people, and could you let the rest of your colleagues know that all black people do not look alike. Could you please just share that?' Yes, I did, I sent that to her."

On Jimmy Kimmel Live, Kimmel couldn't get enough of the R. Kelly bombshells. But "this was the masterstroke," he said. "So to defend himself against allegations of weird and illegal and inappropriate sexual relationships, to prove he's a normal and respectful guy, R. Kelly brought in both of his live-in girlfriends to support him." He showed how that looked, then mashed-up the King interview with Kelly's greatest hit to create "I Believe I Can Lie."

King said both she and the live-in girlfriends — Azriel Clary, 21, and Joycelyn Savage, 23; Kelly is 52 — thought Kelly was out of the room for that interview, but he was just out of sight, coughing loudly at questions he didn't like. "Both sets of parents are terrified because they believe their daughters have been brainwashed," King told Colbert.

King said she didn't expect Kelly to confess his crimes, "but I did think that, on some level, he would have a moment of reflection, he would have contrition." Instead, she said, "I thought we were witnessing the self-destruction of a man having a breakdown, and that's never a good thing to see. Never." Watch below. Peter Weber

March 4, 2019

Last week was a momentous one for President Trump, from his former lawyer and fixer Michael Cohen thrashing him under oath before Congress to his fruitless summit with North Korea's Kim Jong Un in Hanoi, and Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" recapped the highlights. Then, on Saturday, "Trump spoke at the CPAC conference for — I'm not exaggerating — two hours and 20 minutes straight," co-anchor Colin Jost said. "And it started with Trump coming out and hugging the American flag like Lenny from Of Mice and Men." He showed the clip. "What the hell was that?" he asked. "And then after that patriotic #MeToo moment, it somehow got crazier from there." Jost gave viewers "a taste" of Trump's wild, meandering speech. "If you're curious, Trump's handling the Cohen testimony really well," he joked.

In a skit that was cut for time, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (Cecily Strong) tried to do some damage control over a video last week in which she disagreed with schoolchildren over the viability of the Green New Deal. This didn't go well, either. Watch below. Peter Weber

March 1, 2019

The House Intelligence and Oversight Committees are in the beginning stages of an investigation into how President Trump's White House handles security clearances. After The New York Times and The Washington Post reported Thursday evening that Trump had personally overruled intelligence officials and his staff to give Jared Kushner top-secret clearance, House Democrats focused on Kushner being Trump's son-in-law. "There is no nepotism exception for background investigations," Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif.) told the Post. Rep. David Cicilline (D-R.I.) noted that Congress is watching.

On CNN Thursday night, former Gov. Chris Christie (R) was on the same page, telling Chris Cuomo this story highlights "the biggest problem with having family in official positions in the White House, because it's much harder to be objective." He and Cuomo agreed that the story is damning and likely accurate. "And again, Chris, it goes back to the familial relationship," Christie said. "It goes back to the idea that for any other staff member, I think the president would have a much easier time saying 'Listen, no, I'm not getting involved.'"

But Cuomo said focusing on the nepotism is "a step sideways from the actual problem," namely that Trump "has no problem lying to the American people about things he thinks he needs to." Christie said Trump really has a tendency to "lie about things that he hasn't needed to lie about — that's worse in many respects." He mentioned the Stormy Daniels hush-money payment. But regarding the Times report, "there's no way to defend" Trump's behavior, "and I'm not going to," Christie said, "and I have to assume its true because the White House didn't deny it, nor did Jared's lawyer." Watch below. Peter Weber

February 1, 2019

Super Bowl LIII is on Sunday, between the New England Patriots and the Los Angeles Rams. The big game is being broadcast on CBS, and that may be the only reason why sports semi-enthusiast Stephen Colbert allowed his staff to ask one question of some Super Bowl players on Thursday's Late Show. Johnny Hekker, John Johnson III, Trey Flowers, Julian Edelman, Rob Gronkowski, Ndamukong Suh, Dante Fowler, and Jason and Devin McCourty each answered their one question, give or take a question, but Tom Brady affected a strange quasi-British accent and recited Hamlet's famous "To be or not to be" soliloquy, complete with poor Yorick's skull.

It is a testament to the fact that you can be amazing in one field and ... not in another, and also that Shakespeare really did some exceptional work with this speech. Watch below. Peter Weber

January 28, 2019

The top news story on Saturday Night Live's parody of Fox News' Tucker Carlson Tonight was "President Trump's heroic end to the shutdown," Alex Moffat's Carlson said. "It did take him 35 days, but he was finally able to get no wall." He brought on fellow Fox News pundit Jeanine Pirro (Cecily Strong) and warned viewers that he was about to "smugly ask a question that I already know the answer to" and "my voice will get very high." Pirro loudly agreed that Democrats want MS-13 invading their towns and tying their hands with duct tape. And she had an idea for the next step.

"Well, Tucker, we have to take a Marie Kondo approach to cleaning up this country," Strong's Pirro said. "If something doesn't spark joy, throw it out. And you know what doesn't spark joy in me? Guatemalans." "Terrific," Moffat's Carlson said. He also brought on Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross (Kate McKinnon) to comically try to dispel the idea he and other Trump team members aren't out of touch with the people, and Steve Martin's Roger Stone had some trouble playing the feeble, impoverished victim of FBI overreach Carlson portrayed him to be.

On "Weekend Update," Michael Che warned liberals against publicly "gloating" about Trump caving on the wall. "You didn't win yet, the man is one tweet away from calling a national state of emergency and bringing back slavery," he said. "Act like he's still crazy. You got to treat him like you're training a dog: constant positive reinforcement." He and Colin Jost also had some thoughts on Stone's arrest. Watch below. Peter Weber

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