Jordan Klepper says the Melania body-double flap is just a distraction from the real scandal in Washington
This week, for some reason, the internet went crazy over a rumor that first lady Melania Trump has a body double. "Do you have any idea how dumb that sounds?" Jordan Klepper scoffed on Thursday's The Opposition. "Of course Melania has a body double. We free thinkers have known that for years." In fact, "body doubles are everywhere in politics," and have been since Queen Elizabeth I invented them, Klepper said, with much more elaboration and a few examples.
But "this Melania body-double thing is trying to throw you off the scent, like a perfume that tells lies," Klepper said. "The big story? The double that is happening in health care." He noted Trump's rapid flip-flopping on whether he supports the bipartisan Alexander-Murray health-care bill. "I know what you're thinking — Trump's body double went off-book. Shut up, that's absurd — Trump doesn't have a body double. They're not ready yet; they've been only growing beneath the Arizona desert for nine months, give them time."
"No, Trump is using an even more advanced technique: the opinion double," Klepper explained. "You see, opinion doubles let Trump occupy multiple stances on health care at the same time. They allow you to play to whichever room you happen to be in. If you have every opinion, you are guaranteed to be right — it's brilliant." If body doubles and opinion doubles are real, Klepper said, bipartisanship isn't. "You think politicians are going to work with their enemies just to help Americans? What's the catch?" And he had the conspiracy theory to prove his point. Watch below. Peter Weber
The latest Republican plan to repeal ObamaCare "is officially dead," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show, and while the audience was cheering, he added: "That is something I've said three times now." In fact, he added, "the GOP is already eyeing the next chance to revive ObamaCare repeal." That's too soon! he protested. "Graham-Cassidy isn't even dead yet. That's like bringing a date to visit your wife in the hospital. 'Look, honey, you're gonna pull through, I absolutely believe in you. But just in case, this is Staci.'"
Colbert noted how Trump fell for some fake news about an Iranian ballistic missile test, because he saw it on TV. "Oh, for Pete's sake," he said. "You have the CIA!" And he took a look at Trump's new travel ban, which "has expanded to include people from Chad, North Korea, Venezuela, and the Golden State Warriors." Colbert came up with some colorful analogies to suggest this was still a Muslim ban, even with Venezuela and North Korea tacked on.
Trump is still talking about the NFL, Colbert noted, including at a press conference Tuesday where he insisted his feud wasn't distracting him, with some odd phrasing. "Which is it?" Colbert asked. "Do you have a lot of time on your hands or are you always working? Because I can't decide which one scares me more." He ran through some of Trump's latest tweets about the NFL, then showed what it might look like if Trump is right that people are now tuning in for only the beginning of NFL games to watch if players protest.
Speaking of protests, Tuesday's Late Show kicked off with a suggestion for Trump supporters who were outraged at Hillary Clinton's use of a private email account. Watch below. Peter Weber
Jimmy Kimmel on Graham-Cassidy: 'I haven't been this happy about something being dead since bin Laden'
On Tuesday afternoon, Senate Republicans made it official: The Graham-Cassidy health-care bill won't get a vote. "I haven't been this happy about something being dead since bin Laden," Jimmy Kimmel said on Tuesday night's Kimmel Live. "On behalf of my family, especially my son Billy, I want to sincerely thank those of you who called your representatives, made your voices heard, and got involved to help smother this cruel piece of legislation. I bet the walls of the Oval Office are filled with dozens of tiny little fist holes today."
Kimmel, who somehow became a leading opponent of the bill, spent some time thanking Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine) and especially Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) for sinking the bill, and criticizing President Trump for pushing Graham-Cassidy and criticizing McCain over his opposition. "The idea that Donald Trump would criticize anyone for changing his position is very rich — it's definitely richer than he is," he said. "Donald Trump has more flip-flops than a Jimmy Buffett concert." He had video proof.
Graham-Cassidy is dead, but some Republicans are already talking about taking up ObamaCare repeal-and-replace again next year, despite their failure to come up with a viable, even moderately popular alternative in seven years. "That's nuts," Kimmel said. "Look, I'm not a congressman, I don't want to tell you how to do your jobs, but here's how to do your jobs": hold hearings, talk to experts, work in a bipartisan manner to fix the current system's problems and make American health care great. "I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes you have to think inside the box," he said. "This isn't about sides, it's about people who are sick." He ended by asking people to help Puerto Rico. Watch below. Peter Weber
Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday night's Kimmel Live that over the weekend, strangers in three cities he visited just kept approaching him to tell him stories about how the Affordable Care Act had saved or improved their lives, then thank him for his bizarre, high-profile opposition to the Republicans' latest effort to replace ObamaCare with a bill that fails Sen. Bill Cassidy's (R-La.) "Jimmy Kimmel Test." "They came up to me and said, 'Mr. Fallon, thank you for speaking out,'" Kimmel joked. "I talked to probably 200 people, and I heard these stories over and over agin."
The latest GOP bill, Graham-Cassidy, is wildly unpopular, even among Republican people, but Republican politicians "don't actually care what you think; they want you to think what they think," Kimmel said. "That's why they keep saying ObamaCare is a 'disaster.' You hear that word a lot. ObamaCare definitely needs work, but think about this: Did anyone have to convince you Hurricane Harvey was a disaster?"
He repeated his thanks to Sens. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and Susan Collins (R-Maine) for helping to apparently doom the bill, then he played clips of Fox News reacting to his thank you tweets and an article on how Kimmel consulted with Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) and health experts before criticizing Graham-Cassidy. Kimmel responded to the accusation that he's a "pawn" of the Democrats with a sarcastic "confession" and then noted that six organizations have fact-checked his critique against Cassidy's defense, and all of them sided with Kimmel. With the bill at least on life support, he took his bow. "The best news is, now I can go back to talking about the Kardashians," Kimmel joked. Well, maybe. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers puzzle over how Republicans defend their last-ditch health-care bill
President Trump has been tweeting his support for the Republican Party's last-ditch health-care bill, Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show, especially its sponsor Sen. Bill Cassidy (R-La.), a doctor. "And you can trust Trump's opinions when it comes to doctors — remember, his primary care physician is this guy," Colbert said. "Practically every medical organization opposes this bill, so why are Republicans pushing so hard to get it through?" Well, Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) offered to list 10 reasons Republicans shouldn't pass the bill, but then said they had in order to keep their promise. Colbert found that inspiring enough to give that formula a try: "Honey, I can give you 10 reasons why I shouldn't give you this pony, but I promised you one, so enjoy your alligator."
Actually, "very few Republicans can defend their bill or explain what it does," Seth Meyers said on Thursday's Late Night. Graham-Cassidy will cut funding for vulnerable people on Medicaid and put people with pre-existing conditions at risk, Meyers said, and if you're wondering how anyone could support "such a monstrous bill, well the answer is they either don't know or don't care." He had a wry laugh over Sen. Pat Roberts' (R-Kansas) Thelma & Louise answer. "I love how he realized halfway through that his analogy made no sense and just hoped the reporter had never seen the movie."
The bill's hundreds of billions in "cuts may seem savage and cruel, but to be fair, Republicans have always preached fiscal responsibility and the importance of saving money," Meyers said, cuing up some clips about HHS Secretary Tom Price's love of using taxpayer-funded private jets, and also Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin's. Will Republicans wrangle the 50 votes? Maybe, Meyers said. "They're throwing another Hail Mary, except Republicans aren't exactly Tom Brady or Aaron Rogers. They're more like Jay Cutler." Watch below. Peter Weber
Jimmy Kimmel wants you to know that he did not pick this fight. But as long as Republicans keep bringing him up in the fight over the GOP's Graham-Cassidy health-care bill, he's going to come back swinging. Thursday night was Round 3 on Jimmy Kimmel Live, and he started with President Trump getting involved on Twitter Wednesday night. Trump probably didn't know that he was wrong, that Graham-Cassidy doesn't protect people with pre-existing conditions, Kimmel said. But at this point, "he'd sign copies of the Quran at the Barnes and Noble in Falllujah if it meant he could get rid of ObamaCare."
"A lot of people have been saying I'm not qualified to talk about this, and that is true: I'm not qualified to talk about this," Kimmel said. "But I think those people forget, Bill Cassidy named this test after me." Sen. Cassidy (R-La.), who is a doctor, went on TV again Thursday morning to say Kimmel doesn't understand the bill, but Kimmel noted that most experts on health-care oppose Graham-Cassidy, too. He put up a list of all the medical groups, full of doctors, opposing the bill to make a point. "We haven't seen this many people come forward to speak out against a bill since Cosby," he cracked.
People have been telling Kimmel he should give Cassidy the benefit of the doubt, he said, "and you know what? I do give him the benefit of the doubt. I doubt all the benefits he claims are part of the new health-care bill." Kimmel took some swings at other Republicans dismissing his concerns and joked that Trump's qualification to be president is that "he fired Meat Loaf on television," then tackled the main GOP argument in favor of the bill, "that it's better to put these decisions in the hands of the states." Even if Graham-Cassidy didn't leave state governments with $200 billion less to work with, he said, "have you seen some of our states? If Florida could make their own decisions, it would be legal to bring an alligator into a strip club." (Paul Waldman presents a more serious counter-argument at The Week). Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert's Late Show kicked off Wednesday night with an homage to the late horror director George A. Romero and the zombie genre he spawned, plus a dig at Zombie TrumpCare.
Yes, Republicans are trying once again to repeal and replace ObamaCare, Colbert said. "This is beyond beating a dead horse. This is getting damn close to beastiality." And they have until Sept. 30 to do it, minus three Jewish holidays, because that's when their filibuster-proof powers vanish for the fiscal year, and they've reserved next year for Democrat-free tax reform. "It's a race against the clock — they've got 10 days to overhaul the health-care system or everybody lives!" Colbert joked.
He explained how the bill works, roughly, then noted that former President Barack Obama, who has gotten very gray, ("That's how bad Donald Trump is," Colbert said. "Obama is aging faster watching someone else be president!") weighed in on Wednesday, defending the law that colloquially bears his name. But Colbert used a quote from Trump adviser Stephen Moore about people only wanting insurance for their families, and a fake TV ad, to remind everyone what health insurance is actually about.
Colbert then found some bemused mirth in President Trump's invention on Wednesday of a new African country while meeting with African leaders. "Now, there is no such country as Nambia," Colbert said. "Despite that, they might soon have a better health-care system than we do." Peter Weber
Jimmy Kimmel read Sen. Bill Cassidy (R-La.) the riot act on Tuesday's Jimmy Kimmel Live, explaining how Cassidy lied to him when he promised to support a bill that protects people with pre-existing conditions. On Wednesday, Cassidy sadly shook his head and said Kimmel just doesn't understand the bill, prompting a Politico analysis with the headline: "Kimmel, not Cassidy, is right on health care, analysts say." Kimmel tweeted that story out, but did not mention it on Wednesday night's show. He did, however, push back against some high-profile personalities who dismissed his critique of the Graham-Cassidy bill as uninformed.
Cassidy "either doesn't understand his own bill or he lied to me, it's as simple as that," Kimmel said, giving a short but pretty cogent rundown of some problems with the legislation. On CNN, Cassidy "played the all-comedians-are-dummies card," Kimmel said, but "could it be, Sen. Cassidy, that the problem is that I do understand and you got caught with your GOPenis out?"
"I don't want to turn this into a Kanye-and-Taylor Swift type situation," he said, but Cassidy came on his show, promised he would oppose any bill that didn't meet his "Jimmy Kimmel Test," then sponsored what is, "by many accounts, the worst health-care bill yet," a point Kimmel illustrated by showing an MLB pitch to the nuts. He got a little personal with Fox & Friends host Brian Kilmeade, Gov. Chris Christie (R-N.J.), and — in a backhanded-complimentary way — Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), who does bear some resemblance to Kimmel's Grandma Jane.
President Trump is all-in on the bill, but Kimmel said Trump only cares about defeating ObamaCare. "Can you imagine Donald Trump actually sitting down to read a health-care bill?" he asked. "It's like trying to imagine a dog doing your taxes — it just doesn't compute, you know? But I don't necessarily blame him. I did more homework this week than all my years of college combined. This health-care bill, it's confusing, especially for people who aren't experts in the field." So he tried to make it easier to understand by imagining himself as a customer at a coffee shop where the GOP Senate was a terrible barista. He ended by noting that while people "liked" his monologue from yesterday, they didn't flood phone lines, so he put up the numbers for five key GOP senators. Watch below. Peter Weber