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Late Night Tackles President Trump
5:08 a.m.

On Monday, Gizmodo reported that President Trump's Facebook and Instagram accounts have in recent months featured several photos of him that were digitally manipulated to make him look thinner, less wrinkled, fuller-haired, "and in one of the strangest alterations, Trump's fingers have been made slightly longer. Seriously."

"Well, it's nice to know that even during the shutdown, we've still got a functioning Department of Homeland Insecurity," Stephen Colbert joked on Tuesday's Late Show. He showed Trump's slimmed waist line and then his elongated finger. "You know what they say about a man with long photoshopped fingers," he said, eschewing subtlety: "Sad little ding-dong." Also, Colbert added, "Photoshop has its limits. We see him in real life. What's he going to do, give the State of the Union in Hulk hands?" (Subtle changes are "the point of using an app like Facetune," Gizmodo notes. "The goal is to make sure that no one notices. Everyone knows what President Trump looks like, so drastic alterations are going to be obvious immediately.")

Still, "if they're trying to make Trump more appealing, I say they just go farther," Colbert said, and his demonstration was the deepest cut of all.

The Late Show also teed off Rudy Giuliani's New Yorker interview to come up with some rough drafts for his tombstone epitaph. Watch below. Peter Weber

12:50 a.m.

Tuesday was Day 32 of the government shutdown, and Stephen Colbert is prepping to live without a government. "I'm licking raw chicken to build up an immunity, and I'm practicing to be my own TSA," he joked on Tuesday's Late Show. "I'm hiding something somewhere, and I'm gonna find it." There is some hope for a temporary end to the shutdown, Colbert noted, but there was also "some bad news from the Supreme Court," which revived President Trump's ban on transgender military service. "That was like 15 bigoted policies ago," he said, and since it was a 5-4 party-line vote, Colbert threw in a Brett Kavanaugh joke.

Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani "stepped in it" on Sunday by saying Trump's Moscow Trump Tower deal was under negotiation until right before the 2016 election, but he "tried to call backsies" in a "weird" and "rambling" interview with The New Yorker on Monday night, Colbert said. Giuliani appeared to disclose Trump-Russia tapes and conversations he later said he shouldn't have mentioned, contradicted himself repeatedly, and mused about lying for Trump being on his tombstone and how he would convince St. Peter he was honest. "You know things are going great when your lawyer is already prepping his argument to stay out of hell," Colbert said.

Cliff Sims, a former Trump staffer with a new tell-all out, will be on The Late Show next week, Colbert said, and he ran through some of the newly released revelations, like Trump's reliance on budget-brand hairspray ("Now we know where Trump gets most of his best ideas from — the fumes," Colbert joked) and Trump walking out on a droning Paul Ryan to turn on the TV in a room down the hall. In Colbert's imagination, the TV wasn't tuned to Fox News.

On The Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon put on his Trump outfit and imagined what other things are going through Trump's head these days. Watch below. Peter Weber

January 22, 2019

"I am tickled red, white, and blue to welcome you to our very special show, Intermission Accomplished: A Halftime Tribute to Trump," Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday's very special Kimmel Live. "We are here tonight to celebrate the midway mark of Donald Trump's first term in office — because let's be honest, this is a man who is far too humble to celebrate himself." He listed some of Trump's many accomplishments: "More than 6,000 tweets in office, at least half of those with no misspellings at all. More than 100 days on the golf course, keeping tabs on the environment. And let's not forget the election itself: Donald Trump got 62 million votes, second-most of any presidential candidate in 2016."

Kimmel ran through Trump's hagiography, Ken Bone (Josh Gad) made a cameo, and a group of dancers ended the intro with a spirited pro-Trump medley.

"This president has delivered so many poignant words, the best words, since he took office," Kimmel said. "Donald Trump has tweeted more than every other president in history combined — more than Washington, more than Lincoln even. And tonight we remember his most memorable lines," as sung by Leon Bridges. They've honestly never sounded sweeter.

Alyssa Milano popped in to hawk "Great Moments in Trump History" commemorative plates.

Kimmel also starred in a dark faux sit-com about Eric Trump (Paul Scheer) and Don Jr. (Will Arnett) hunting down the last lion in Africa.

Finally, the ghost of Fred Trump (Fred Willard) appeared to take credit for all of his son's accomplishments, then changed his mind. Watch below. Peter Weber

January 16, 2019

"It is Day 25 of the government shutdown, which is great news for everyone whose New Year's resolution was lawless anarchy," Stephen Colbert joked on Tuesday's Late Show. But "it's been hard on government employees, particularly the president. His popularity had taken a nose dive," even on his favorite poll, Rasmussen. "He's cratering," Colbert said. "By the time the election rolls around, he could lose to the ticket of Chlamydia/Ted Cruz 2020."

Still, "at least one good thing has come out of the government shutdown: A giant pile of hamburgers," Colbert said. He reveled in the photo of Trump standing before the 300 hamburgers he bought for Clemson's champion football team. If Trump's using his pile of burgers to distract everyone from Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation and his tanking poll numbers, "I'm totally into it," Colbert said, especially if it comes with presidential tweets about serving "over 1,000 hamberders."

"That's right, 'hamberders,'" Jimmy Kimmel laughed on Kimmel Live. "How does that happen? The 'e' and the 'u' aren't even near each other on the keyboard! It's like in the middle of tweeting he had a stroke or something. Or is it possible he thought they were called 'hamberders' until today?" Before Trump took down the tweet, he was trolled by Burger King, among others, Kimmel noted. He trolled Trump, too, with a special person-on-the-street quiz. He also pointed out that Trump himself said he ordered 300 burgers, not 1,000. "He has to lie about everything, he can't help it," Kimmel said. "Or maybe he ate the other 700 hamberders himself."

The Daily Show's Trevor Noah found the whole burger-by-candlelight thing eerily on-brand: "If you combine any fancy thing with any garbage-y thing, that's Trump's style, right? McDonald's by candlelight, caviar in a porta-potty, him in the White House. It's just the mix. But I will say this: If the government shutdown means that Trump gets to eat cheeseburgers every night, then this thing is going to last forever." Watch below. Peter Weber

November 16, 2018

"President Trump has been spinning in a Tasmanian Devil-style rage this week," Jimmy Kimmel said on Thursday's Kimmel Live. "As rumors of turmoil and tumult continue to swirl, Trump took to Twitter to lash out at Special Counsel Robert Mueller," his "witch hunt," and his staff. "He always forgets we had real witch hunts in American history, in which they killed witches, but this is the biggest witch hunt, and Bob Mueller is moving on you like a witch," Kimmel said. Still, "what Donald Trump should be worried about" isn't Mueller, but Russian President Vladimir Putin's warm exchange with Vice President Mike Pence at an Asia-Pacific summit on Thursday. He narrated the video.

The Late Show kicked off with a different Trump conspiracy theory, showing a fake commercial to mock Trump's "nuts" idea that you need to voter ID card to buy cereal.

"With Trump in such a bad mood, no one is safe," not even Fox News host Sean Hannity, Stephen Colbert said in his monologue. "Apparently, Trump's close relationship with Hannity hasn't stopped the president from mocking the Fox News star behind his back for being such a suck-up. Does Hannity really suck up that much?" Colbert asked. It was a rhetorical question, but he played some clips anyway. Trump is reportedly so critical of Hannity he has been known to imitate his voice and mannerisms. "I would love to see Trump's impressions," Colbert said, trying out a few. The Nixon one got a little strange.

"This news about Hannity has sent shockwaves through our in-house, pro-Trump news team, Real News Tonight, who now don't know how to talk about the president," Colbert said. You can watch Jim Anchorton and Jill Newslady struggle that out below. Peter Weber

November 16, 2018

President Trump appears to be "pretty grumpy" these days, Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. "Reports are he's moping around the White House," apparently "pissed — at damn near everyone." Wow, Colbert said, "being president has really worn him down. Remember Inauguration Day, when he was so light-hearted and filled with joy?" (Colbert didn't either.) Another former Trump staffer said there's "a level of insanity I've never seen before" at the White House," and "keep in mind, this White House has seen Kanye," he noted.

Colbert listed some real and speculative reasons Trump is so upset, including the possibility son Don Jr. will be indicted and the lack of a grand parade in Paris. But "Trump's not just moping around the White House, he's also moping around the Twitter," he said, reading Trump's tweeted tirade against Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Colbert suggested Trump was "transparently projecting his insecurities onto Robert Mueller," and demonstrated what that might look like.

At Late Night, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's "post-election funk as the blue wave that put Democrats in charge of the House keeps getting bigger." He made special note of how some of the House Democrats Trump has mocked for two years will soon have power to investigate his government and personal finances. "Damn," he said, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif.) "can subpoena his tax returns, his bank records — hell, she can subpoena the results of his IQ test."

"Trump knows that he'll be held accountable for his actions for the first time in two years, and as a result he's panicking," Meyers said. Watch that and his delightful cue-card incident below. Peter Weber

October 26, 2018

President Trump has to take responsibility for his words, "because when he talks, people listen — for instance, Chinese people," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show, pointing to the New York Times report about Chinese spies eavesdropping on Trump's iPhone calls. "So the Chinese spies know Trump's innermost thoughts — right before he tweets them," Colbert joked. Aides warn Trump that his iPhone isn't secure, but they're also pretty sure he's not sharing secrets with the Chinese and Russians "because he doesn't read the details of the intelligence he is shown" and isn't conversant in "the operational specifics of military or covert activities," the Times reports.

"That's the most reassuring answer you could come up with, that the president isn't a danger because he's too incompetent to know anything?" Colbert asked. "Naturally, Trump is furious at the insinuation that he has not given up his iPhone," and he tweeted any angry denial — from an iPhone, he noted. "Come on! That's like handing the judge your 'not guilty' plea by writing it on the murder weapon."

"Donald Trump had unprotected sex with a porn star — you think he's worried about unsecured cellphones?" Jimmy Kimmel asked on Kimmel Live. He also noted that the "guy who won't let the fact that Hillary used a private email server go has chats with his shady business buddies on a Jitterbug phone he bought at CVS." Kimmel had an exasperated laugh over Trump's tweeted denial, too: "He tweeted about rarely using a cellphone from a cellphone! I mean, he may not be a good president, but he is the LeBron James of internet trolls."

Kimmel Live also recreated a school that actually exists for Russian internet trolls trying to divide American into chaotic doom.

And The Late Show channeled Patton to archly comment on Trump sending U.S. troops to the U.S.-Mexico border. Watch that below. Peter Weber

October 24, 2018

President Trump's "favorite midterms talking point" is about "a group of Central American migrants fleeing north to safety — aka, the caravan!" Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. Lately, Trump "has made up some caravan origin story fan fiction," he explained, with hand gestures. "Not everything Trump has said about this caravan is true — for instance, any of it." Reporters in southern Mexico, for example, say no one has seen "Middle Eastern" people in the "scareavan," and Trump later acknowledged "there's no proof of anything, but they could very well be."

"Look, I understand believing in something without any proof," Colbert said. "For instance, I believe in God, even though the fact that he allowed Donald Trump to become president is evidence He does not exist." He went on to look at Trump's shifting views on the murder of Jamal Khashoggi and Saudi Arabia's historically bad cover-up — though Colbert found a worse cover-up, in a manner of speaking.

"It's not just the caravan and the obvious murder of a Washington Post journalist Trump is fibbing about, and the press has noticed the lies," Colbert said. "And the strangest lie Donald Trump has told about this is his made-up middle class tax cut." He noted that, among other problems with Trump's plan, Congress is not in session to even pass his floated "resolution" on cutting taxes. Colbert brought it home: "Congress isn't in D.C.? Where did Congress go? Could they be in — the caravan?" Watch that, plus a bunch of movie characters yelling about lies and a joke about "terror penguins" ("They exist, they exist, they're known as Ice-is") below. Peter Weber

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