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Late Night Tackles President Trump
September 10, 2019

President Trump tweeted Saturday night that he was calling off peace talks with the Taliban and disinviting them from a secret Camp David summit. "Yes, Donald Trump invited the Taliban to Camp David the weekend before 9/11," Stephen Colbert noted on Monday's Late Show. "That's like... there's nothing that's like that. That is only that, nothing else is like that. Does Donald Trump not know what 9/11 is?"

Trump was reportedly willing to overlook the bad optics and ignore the advice from his top advisers because he was so taken with the idea of sealing a landmark peace agreement at historic Camp David. "So he wanted the praise for a diplomatic achievement that he didn't achieve," Colbert recapped. "Clearly he's a shoo-in for the Nobel Participation Prize — if you had fun, you won, everybody gets a hug!"

"Only Trump would brag about a meeting he didn't have," Jimmy Kimmel said at Kimmel Live. "Donald Trump invited the Taliban to Camp David! Three days before 9/11! Next month he's taking al Qaeda to Six Flags." This time, even "the Republican establishment is not behind our dangerously dimwitted president," Kimmel said. "But the only one who actually spoke out publicly was the 212-year-old host of The 700 Club," Pat Robertson.

"So instead of meeting with the Taliban yesterday, Trump spent the day lashing out at John Legend and Chrissy Teigen — for real," he said, reading Trump's tweet-attack on Legend and his "filthy mouthed wife." Right, he deadpanned, "we can't have all these 'filthy mouthed' women around — the Taliban is coming over, guys!"

"Chrissy Teigan's response was too vulgar for the news to repeat," Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. "Luckily, we're not the news." Still, while Trump's beef with celebrities is entertaining, his beef with the Taliban "might actually have major, real-world consequences."

Noah recapped what we think actually happened with Trump scuttling a long-sought, nearly complete peace deal: "So the Taliban refused to come to America, and Trump tweeted out 'No, I'm breaking up with you guys,' and so there is a possibility that the war in Afghanistan will continue now because Trump has put a photo opportunity above peace." Watch below. Peter Weber

September 5, 2019

Hurricane Dorian devastated the Bahamas and is bearing down on South Carolina, and Stephen Colbert offered his thoughts and vetted charities if any viewers want to help those hurt by the massive storm. Then he turned to President Trump, who "is trying to help the only way he knows, by being an old man yelling at wind," he said on Wednesday's Late Show. "But Trump isn't interested in where the storm is going to go. He wanted to talk more about where the storm was going to go," and he brought a visual aid.

"Why, you ask, did Trump show a map with an outdated projection of Dorian's path instead of one showing where the storm actually went?" Colbert asked — and answered, noting Trump's repeated (and repeatedly debunked) assertion that Alabama was in Dorian's path. "Take a closer look at Trump's outdated map from last Thursday morning: He used a Sharpie to extend the path into Alabama — he gave the storm a boob job!"

Obviously, "that's an insane thing to do, but it could literally be a criminally insane thing," Colbert said, citing "a lot of wonks online" who pointed to a law prohibiting knowingly issuing false forecasts issued by the Weather Bureau. "Now because of the fact that the president misinterpreted where the water would go, I'm calling this scandal 'Water-gate' — trademark." He explained why Trump's denial of involvement didn't hold water, either.

"I know I say this every night, but this is a crazy story," Jimmy Kimmel said at Kimmel Live, showing Trump displaying his doctored map. "So the question is: Who at the White House would do this? Could it be someone who loves Sharpies?" Trump "really must think we're a bunch of idiots," he said. "I bet he thinks, like, 'Hey, they elected me president, let's see what other dumb cr-p they'll go for!'"

Kimmel also examined a priest in Nashville who banned Harry Potter from a Catholic school library, Trump's diversion of $3.6 billion in military construction funds to build his "Taj Ma-wall," and some truly disturbing deep fakes. Watch below. Peter Weber

September 4, 2019

Hurricane Dorian "is no joke," Jimmy Kimmel said on Tuesday's Kimmel Live, "unless, of course, you're part of the graphics at FOX 5 in New York." That portrayal of Dorian was unfortunate, but Kimmel said the most interesting take on the storm came from "a random guy in Florida" who, like President Trump, wanted to use military assets to neuter hurricanes. "Trump just named him director of FEMA," he deadpanned.

Kimmel ran through all the times in the past three years Trump has said he'd never heard of a Category 5 hurricane. "He has the memory and skin tone of a goldfish, this man."

"Since we left for vacation, the president canceled a trip to Poland to monitor Dorian from his golf course in Virginia, tweeted 514 times, tried to buy Greenland and threw a fit when they wouldn't sell it, suggested firing a nuclear missile at a hurricane," Kimmel said, "attacked Grace from Will and Grace — Debra Messing — predicted Sean Spicer will do great on Dancing With the Stars, congratulated Poland on the anniversary of the Nazi invasion, fired his longtime assistant who reportedly got drunk and told journalists that Trump doesn't like to photographed with his daughter Tiffany because he believes her to be overweight, and wished a happy birthday to Regis."

Meanwhile, Vice President Mike Pence and his family are currently in Ireland on official business, and they are staying at Trump's golf resort in Doonbeg, 180 miles away from his official business in Dublin. "Trump apparently suggested Pence stay at his hotel while he's there, and Pence said 'Woof woof,' which is his way of saying yes," Kimmel said. "You think Mike Pence would eat dog food if Trump told him to? I bet he would. But the vice president's visit to Doonbeg is historic: It is the first time a Trump property has ever stayed at a Trump property." Watch below. Peter Weber

September 4, 2019

Late-night TV returned after a two-week break, and "of course the big story is Hurricane Dorian," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. Dorian devastated the Bahamas and is now "hovering off the coast of the United States — no one is sure if it is going to make landfall, or where, and by no one, I mean Donald Trump."

Trump fired off 122 tweets over the weekend, and they "weren't overburdened with accuracy," like his repeated, insistent "weather fan fiction" about Alabama being in harm's way, Colbert said. "You know things are bad when the National Weather Service has to fact-check the president." He also documented Trump's memory lapses about big hurricanes: "How have you never heard of a Category 5 hurricane, when there have been three Category 5 hurricanes while you've been president? And you know how I know that? From listening to you not know what they are. ... You have the memory of a goldfish, to go along with the skin tone."

But not all of Trump's ideas about hurricanes were harmless. "So the most powerful man in the world wants to nuke the wind," Colbert sighed, explaining the problem with Trump's reported hurricane-prevention plan. "If you nuke a hurricane, you get a radioactive hurricane," he said. "It's like putting Chernobyl on jet skis."

The Daily Show's Trevor Noah suggested that maybe "the barometric pressure from the storm did something to his brain" over the weekend. "I know we're used to it by now, but it still amazes me how often the government has to tell you not to pay attention to the president," he said, comparing Trump to a "drugged-up," hallucinating friend "you're driving home from a wisdom tooth surgery."

"I know people get mad when they see Trump playing golf as a hurricane is closing in, but after everything we've heard, I think the less involved Trump is with this hurricane, the better it is," Noah said, finding a silver lining. "Think about it: He doesn't know how big it is, he doesn't know where it's going, and he's got some batsh-t ideas for stopping it, so I say let the man play his golf. Because if we don't, there's a good chance Trump ends up nuking Alabama." Watch below. Peter Weber

August 16, 2019

Stephen Colbert began Thursday's Late Show monologue with "a fun story" for his audience. "There is a petition currently circulating here in New York City to rename the stretch of Fifth Avenue between 56th and 57th Streets 'President Barack Obama Avenue,'" he said. "To make the honor complete, whenever a car tries to turn left it will be blocked by Mitch McConnell." That stretch of Fifth Avenue, not coincidentally, contains Trump Tower, and if the petition is successful, President Trump's home address will be 725 President Barack H. Obama Ave.

"This is the difference between trolls on the left and trolls on the right," Colbert said. "One harasses Chris Cuomo at dinner, the other is like, 'We are submitting a formal request through the proper channels at City Council, we'll see you in 14 months — you've been petish'd!'"

But the big story this week is the economy, the stock market currently "swinging like a tetherball in a typhoon" due to fears of a recession, Colbert said. Trump is already blaming "the news media" for trying to "crash the economy," he noted, laughing at the idea that "this is all a plot by those masters of economic strategy: newspapers!"

"Trump's economic policies have only benefited the elite few to begin with, and now that a recession seems like it might be on the horizon, he's freaking out," Seth Meyers said at Late Night. "Because for two years, he's be able to coast on the economic tide left by Obama while ignoring the growing wealth gap, massive inequality, or the shuttering factories in states he promised to rescue." Trump loves to brag about the stock market, which is actually underperforming versus Obama, he said, but "more importantly, the stock market is not the whole economy. In fact, most working people aren't really invested in the stock market; it's mostly just a sign of how the wealthy few are faring." Watch below. Peter Weber

August 14, 2019

It's only Tuesday, and President Trump's already had a full week, Stephen Colbert grimaced on Tuesday's Late Show. "Monday, the Trump administration finalized plans to weaken the Endangered Species Act" and announced that "starting in October, poor immigrants will be denied permanent legal status if they are deemed likely to use government benefit programs. Really? Because I know of at least one immigrant lady who lives in really nice public housing and pretty much only works on Christmas."

Trump defended that policy Tuesday at his golf club in New Jersey, yelling in front of Marine One that he doesn't think it's fair for U.S. taxpayers to "pay for people to come into the United States." Yes, "American taxpayers should only cover the important stuff, like my helicopter rides to and from the golf," Colbert added in Trump voice.

Trump was actually heading to an official speech at a fracking-plastic facility in Pennsylvania. "Trump's speech was really frackin' long, and he made sure to hit a very important campaign message: Truck go vroom-vroom," Colbert said, showing the clip of Trump proclaiming his love for trucks, reminiscing that he's loved trucks since age 4, and nothing had changed. "Yes, nothing changes — nothing changes at all," he added in Trump character. "Emotionally, I'm still 4. I love trucks."

If Trump loves trucks — and he genuinely appears to — he's sure hurting truckers, Seth Meyers said at Late Night. Trump "promised that America's truckers would prosper under his administration," but he's "actually made things worse for many truckers." Trump sold his tax law "as a huge tax break specifically for truck drivers," for example, but it actually hit them hard financially, he said. "It's so bad, a lot of them can't even afford clothing for the women on their mud flaps."

"Truckers are also hurting because of Trump's trade wars and tariffs," Meyers said, and "one of the few policies Trump enacted that trucking industry lobbyists actually pushed for is one that arguably puts everyone else on the road in danger." Watch below. Peter Weber

August 9, 2019

"President Trump spent yesterday visiting Dayton and El Paso to offer comfort to those communities in their time of grief, then last night, Trump posted a video montage of his trip," James Corden said on Thursday's Late Late Show. He played part of the official White House video. "Trump edited the footage of his trip like it was an Avengers: Endgame trailer!" he said. "After watching that, surely now we can impeach him. Surely, that is enough."

"Trump's supposed to be consoling people in a hospital!" Corden said. "And I think we all know nothing says 'I'm sorry for your loss' quite like the double thumbs-up."

Yes, somehow, once again, Trump "managed to make what should have been a day about others all about him," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "Shortly after the White House press secretary told reporters this visit is about the victims and their families, this is not a photo op, Trump tweeted a video," which Kimmel also played, swearing he didn't alter it. "It looks like he's Batman or something! Can someone please check his brain fluid next time he's in the hospital? I think it might need to be topped off a little."

"Then in El Paso, he stopped to chat with the hospital staff, and guess who was the topic of conversation this time around?" Kimmel asked, playing cellphone footage of Trump talking about the size of his crowd at a February rally. "By the way, that speech he's bragging about? He still owes the city of El Paso more than $500,000 for expenses there."

"A local television station released video today showing President Trump bragging about the crowd size at his rallies while talking to medical staff treating victims of the El Paso shooting," Seth Meyers said at Late Night. "Said one doctor, 'That's very interesting — have I shown you our psych ward?'" Watch below. Peter Weber

August 7, 2019

"You know, Donald Trump gets a lot wrong, but he outdid himself today," Jimmy Kimmel said on Tuesday's Kimmel Live. "Today he became the first president of the United States ever to misspell his own name," tweeting that Google "boosted negative stories on Donald Ttump." Kimmel laughed and suggested this is what happens when your thumbs are covered in dipping sauce. "But how can you misspell your name when it's on your building, it's on your golf courses, it's on your vodka, your water, all the casinos you bankrupted — it's everywhere!" he said.

If Sarah Huckabee Sanders were still press secretary, Kimmel speculated, "she would be out on the White House lawn shouting that his name is and always has been Donald Ttump, and we just were too Fake News to know it."

"I can't believe this hadn't happened already, but in a tweet this morning, Trump misspelled his own name," Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. "Donald Ttump — when Don Jr. saw that, he was like, 'I can't believe I've been spelling it wrong this whole time!'" And when staffers told the president he'd misspelled his name, Fallon added, "he tweeted this: 'Sorry, I meant to say Ddnald Ttump.'"

"I wasn't sure who 'Donald Ttump' was, so I googled him, and it said he was a ttorible tacist who shouldn't be ptesident," Stephen Colbert joked at The Late Show. And that wasn't even Trump's only Google-related typo — he also tweeted Tuesday that Google wants to "make sure Trump losses," Colbert said, and he ran with it, in Trump voice: "Google does terrible things to me — they want me to loss, but I'm no losser, I'm going to wine, because I've always been a whiner. We're going to whine so much you're going to get sick of all the whining." Watch below. Peter Weber

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