The 12 most ridiculous Game of Thrones marketing tie-ins

Game of Thrones is coming to an end, and with it our national nightmare of extremely obnoxious marketing tie-ins. But with the premiere of season eight less than a week away, brands are still out in full force pushing every potential connection to Westeros imaginable before the GoT well runs dry. And who can blame them? The show's season seven finale attracted over 16 million viewers, more than the population of New York City, Chicago, and Los Angeles combined.

From the respectably absurd to the extremely ill-advised, here are the 12 most ridiculous tie-ins to season eight so far. And while there are no free tattoo promotions on here just yet ... give it time.

12. MLB

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Major League Baseball has been having a love affair with Game of Thrones for years, and 2019 is no exception. After making a terrific "baseball is coming" promotion last year using the show's intro, MLB is back with an ad-spot that overlays Littlefinger's "chaos is a ladder" monologue on match cuts between footage from the show and from baseball. Jon Snow swinging a sword is paired with Christian Yelich swinging a bat; diving catches in the outfield flicker against the collapsing Wall; and the Commissioner's Trophy morphs spookily into the Iron Throne. Nineteen of the league's teams will also have Game of Thrones-themed nights at the ballpark this season, including the Kansas City Royals' "exclusive Royals Ice Dragon bobblehead" giveaway, pictured above. I'm not sure I support American professional sports drawing uncomfortable comparisons to senseless violence, but I do kind of want that dragon.

11. Bud Lite

I can't help but secretly admire a brand brutally killing its own mascot just for the sake of a clever Game of Thrones tie-in. Bud Lite's surprise Super Bowl spot featured the Bud Knight being murdered by The Mountain to the horror of medieval citizens, just before they're all ... roasted by Drogon? Sure, okay! At least there's a happy ending: An ad spot released this week features the Bud Knight being resurrected by a priest of the Lord of Light, à la Jon Snow.

10. Columbia Records

The Lumineers singing about Game of Thrones quite frankly sounds like my personal nightmare, but Columbia Records is betting that it's someone's jam. Tied to the release of the new season, the record label is selling For the Throne: Music Inspired by Game of Thrones, with contributions by The Lumineers, along with A$AP Rocky, Ellie Goulding, The Weeknd, Travis Scott, The National, and others. There's no track list yet, so it's unclear if this means we'll be getting a cover of "Two Hearts That Beat as One" by Ty Dolla $ign or SZA's original hit "All the Starks," neither of which, I might point out, anyone was asking for.

9. Urban Decay

I'm a sucker for a good eyeshadow collection, although I'm less enthusiastic about using a brush called "Needle" anywhere on my face. I suppose that's the danger in tying your makeup line to a show that involves a surprising amount of people being stabbed through the eye. In general, Urban Decay's Game of Thrones $250 makeup "vault" is one of those things that looks great in production images but is less than practical in actuality: Do you really need a pop-up Iron Throne in your makeup palette? Urban Decay writes, "use this arsenal of 20 eyeshadow shades to declare your allegiance to House Targaryen, House Lannister, House Stark, or to defeat the White Walkers," although if defeating the army of the undead was as easy as swiping some lavender "Bend the Knee" shadow below your brow bone, I think things would be handled by now.

8. Johnnie Walker

Alcohol and Game of Thrones are a natural pairing. To quote the immortal words of Tyrion Lannister, emblazoned across many a shot-glass on Etsy, "I drink and I know things." Scottish whisky maker Johnnie Walker, evidently realizing they share half a name with the White Walkers, released a special edition bottle in the run-up to the final season. When frozen, the brand's "striding man" logo appears, but dressed in armor and with a creepy glowing blue eye. Still, like many brands, I'm not quite sure Johnnie Walker thought through this tie-in: "For those ... who never stop walking," the brand says in its promotion video, which serves the double purpose of getting their motto in there and declaring nihilistic allegiance to the Night King.

7. Adidas

Adidas exemplifies the amazing thing about the phenomenon of Game of Thrones: You can make a regular red sneaker, slap a tiny House Lannister emblem on its heel tag, and then sell it for $180 a pop. The Game of Thrones collection is a collaboration Adidas describes as being "part of our DNA," and features six limited-edition shoes for repping White Walkers, the Night's Watch, House Lannister, House Stark, or one of two versions of House Targaryen. You might need to loot Highgarden to be able to afford the shoes, but hey, at least if someone looks reallllllly closely, they can see you love the Starks.

6. Mountain Dew

To celebrate — and make money off of — the return of Game of Thrones, Mountain Dew introduced a sweepstake for fans to win, um, a single can of Mountain Dew? While a prize valued (by generous estimate) at $4.00 doesn't necessarily sound exciting, the drink appears to be a "faceless," label-less white can at room temperature and reveals Arya Stark's kill list when chilled. To win the limited-edition unlabeled can, fans were urged to use the hashtag #ACanHasNoName, at which point you have to wonder if Mountain Dew's writers realized they were trying way too hard.

5. AT&T

There might be such a thing as doing way too many marketing tie-ins. Enter AT&T, the overly-enthusiastic holding company that has lumped Game of Thrones promotions onto just about everything. Did you watch March Madness? It was tied, repeatedly, to Game of Thrones. The company is also giving away a $18,000 Iron Throne replica in a sweepstake, and will have what it is calling a "360-degree marketing campaign" in four cities, with AT&T stores turning into Westerosi Houses (Chicago will be House Stark, New York will be House Lannister, etc.). I suppose you could call it overcompensation for AT&T ruining HBO.

4. OkCupid

Because "romance is 90 percent watching the same show," in the words of OkCupid, the dating app rolled out profile badges this spring so Game of Thrones fans can more easily "spot, match with, and message" each other. While it's one thing to put that you like GoT in your profile (which apparently more than 2 million people have), it's an entirely different thing to have it be a relationship dealbreaker, which is classifiably nuts. But OkCupid takes the badge very seriously: "OkCupid members who say Brienne and Tormund are their #relationshipgoals are more likely to be proactive in challenging traditional gender roles than those who say Jon Snow and Ygritte," the app claims, apparently based on nothing.

3. Shake Shack

Look, when I'm hungry, I'm hungry. I don't want to fuss at a kiosk or take a ticket number — I want to place my order and get my food. But if you want to eat the Dracarys Burger, exclusive to the Madison Square Park Shake Shack in New York City, you are going to have to order in the made-up language of Valyrian. The burger joint at the very least has a guide to help you garble your way through ordering a Dragonglass shake, although that doesn't much help when you have to try to pronounce "Zīrtom Perzomy Rholītsos." Shake Shack, for the record, translates to "Rholītso Rhakion," although personally I would like to know why there is a Valyrian word for "shake" in the first place.

2. Oreo

The brand that gets the award for doing the absolute most is Oreo, which recreated the entire Game of Thrones intro using cookies. It's actually kind of mesmerizing to watch, even if you can't help but think about all that delicious fake cream going to waste. As cool as the promotion is, the ad spot is promoting limited edition Game of Thrones cookies, stamped with the images of House Lannister, Targaryen, Stark, and the Night King, which are entirely not necessary — not that that's ever stopped Oreo before.

1. The American Red Cross

The most hilarious, ill-advised marketing tie-in of all goes to the American Red Cross, which is promoting an April blood draw by telling donors to "bleed for the throne" the way ... a beheaded Ned Stark did?! Beyond not even making sense, the advertisement features the word "BLEED" written in a threateningly-large font, and includes a blood-splatter rendition of the Iron Throne. I don't know about you, but the suggestion that my blood draw would leave me openly bleeding and splattering blood does not do a heck of a lot to reassure me. At least donating gives you a chance at a more interesting prize than a can of soda: All donors are entered to win a "full-size" Iron Throne (control of Westeros presumably not included).